Unleashing the Power of Vulnerability: Leading with Your Authentic Self

Hilary DeCesare: 00:00:00

Welcome, everyone. And wow, I gotta tell you, when you end up having somebody on your show that you just already are connected with and there's that moment of and hearing their relaunched journeys, you're like, oh, it, it sparks up those moments of, oh, no, we're gonna go there because we need to, people need to hear this. You need to hear how, again, you know, it's that it's that song you get knocked down again. But you get up again, you get knocked down, but you get up again. Now I'm like, it's in my head. This is gonna be one of those days, I can feel that. You've just given me this like, Oh, boy. So right now everyone, I want to introduce you to my guest. He is Jay M. Ryerson. He is a best selling author, performance and mindset coach who helps entrepreneurs and executive they team they're actually able to reach their full potential. He encourages people to consider whether they are living their best life. And are they feeling fulfilled in their goals and achievements. He has a great podcast, let's go when he's got coaching services, he empowers the next generation of you got it, business leaders, all of us that are listening today to achieve peak performance. And not only this is something you know, that's near and dear to me, not only your professional lives, but your personal lines. So if you want to improve your life and work, this is what we're going to be talking about today. But there is always that moment where you and I know we're going to talk about significant relaunches because the pathway to success is not always golden laden. I've never said that before. But it's good because it's not right. There's always those moments that you know, we get knocked off that path and how do we get back on it? How do we lift ourselves up?

Hilary DeCesare: 00:02:17

You're listening to the ReLaunch podcast and I'm your host Hillary DeCesare, best selling author, speaker and transformational coach widely recognized in the worlds of neuro psychology and business launches, which cultivated the one and only three HQ method, helping midlife women. Yep, that's me to rebuild a life of purpose, possibility and inspiring business ventures. Each week, we'll be diving into the stories that brought upon the most inspirational relaunches while sharing the methods and the secrets that they learned along the way, so that you too can have not just an ordinary relaunch, but an extraordinary relaunch.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:03:08

JM, welcome today, so excited to have you and to highlight you to highlight you to the listeners out there and to have you share so much of what you're going through in the wisdom that you've come through it with.

JM Ryerson: 00:03:23

Well, thank you Hillary for having me. I also have that song in my head now and it's saved me all day to get up again, but never gonna keep it up. But yeah, thank you so much for having me. And I just appreciate it. i You made me smile and laugh throughout. So this is gonna be a lot of fun.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:03:41

It is going to be fun. And here's the thing that I think you and I are cut from the same cloth that the relaunches are gonna happen. And it's how you make the most of them because that's life. Life is relaunches. And so for people I know, I know you're like, yes, there are people out there that don't truly know your story. And there's probably people that follow you that haven't heard some of the things we're going to talk about today. So I'd like to open it up with really, you know, how did you get to where you are right now and the most significant relaunch? That has happened to you? And I know it's it's, it's a recent one. So it's, it's still raw, it's still vulnerable, and I appreciate you going there.

JM Ryerson: 00:04:32

That's truly my pleasure. Let me see, where do I start? I built three companies in the financial service world, and that was something I was good at, right? I don't know anything about financial services, but I was decent at leadership and building teams. And then what happened as I wrote this book called Let's go win keys to living your best life and I wrote up for my two sons, I, my wife and I have 16 and 13 year old sons, and I just expected to give it to them and The my life continues. And the gal I was working with said, man, you're selfish. And I said, What are you talking about? She said, if you only share this with two human beings, you are extremely selfish. Okay, cool. So we launch and then let's go when becomes what it is today, which is the podcasts and the books. But

Hilary DeCesare: 00:05:19

where did you write this book?

JM Ryerson: 00:05:21

So this book now, it officially is i It's been just over three and a half years, my goodness, it's starting to eight,

Hilary DeCesare: 00:05:30

I have to say, I want to give a high five to the woman who said, you can't be selfish with just keeping this with the two because it's meant to impact so much more. So that is incredible. And yes, the value for your 16 and your 13 year old kids super, super valuable, right? You're giving back the legacy right there. But you needed to touch more people.

JM Ryerson: 00:05:53

Well, she was right. And here's the funny thing, only one of my son's is actually read it the 13 year old this thing. So it would have only been audience of one.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:06:04

You know what I just wrote a book and it just launched last last year. And as you said, I thought Derek and Danny and Rosie, I'm coming at you today. If I hear although although I do have to say one of my kids and we're not going to name them said mom, when is the audio when's the audible coming out? And hey, if you're listening right now, it's coming out. It's coming. It is coming. And then there's no excuses. So I love that that one. Do you have an audible?

JM Ryerson: 00:06:38

I do. That's

Hilary DeCesare: 00:06:40

no excuses.

JM Ryerson: 00:06:41

We were reading it together as a family for the love of Pete. And he was just, you know, this is my son that is just he is going to do things on his own path, his own journey. And as a dad that taught him to be independent, I have to respect it. It's like, Hey, man, I'm not gonna force you to do anything. You might want to check it out. But you know what, someday if I'm not here, he has some lessons that hopefully he can gain from.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:07:07

You know why he will someday read that he will. Okay, so wrote the blog, let's go win. And it you know, it's super successful. It's an awesome book. And now what's going on? What's happening?

JM Ryerson: 00:07:22

Yeah, so all as all this is going on. And I found my passion as you talk about the relaunch. As I was March 6 2022, my dad, my hero, one of my best friends in life actually killed himself. And Hillary, I didn't know that that was even a possibility. I knew it was possibility within my family, but I never thought my dad, he's the strongest, kindest, most just gentle human being you can ever imagine. And so, obviously, my world took a big hit and is the wake up. And then about a month before

Hilary DeCesare: 00:08:02

you continue here. How old? How old was your dad?

JM Ryerson: 00:08:05

He was 71.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:08:09

I mean, and as you said, not a possibility.

JM Ryerson: 00:08:13

I had no idea. I knew he had some very, very slight depression. But my dad and I have talked so openly about suicide and my feelings of how selfish it is because of another family member that I thought maybe it was a possibility someday, that this may come into my world, but never with my father. And so yeah, that was that kind of, you know, jolted the system pretty good. Now, obviously, it's horrible. I want my dad back every single moment. But I also have a different level of perspective that I could never have, without this, a tragedy happening. But what's interesting about the timing, about a month, or month and a half later, I found out that a business partner had stolen about two and a half million dollars. And so I'm just kinda like, all right. But here's what's interesting. I thought I would be really angry about that. And as I'm dealing with, alright, this is gonna be a lawsuit it's going to be, I really didn't, because I had a whole different level of understanding of, okay, it sucks. It's not ideal. It's not what I want. But it's not life or death. It is money, and ultimately, I can always create more. So I went through this journey.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:09:35

You know what you just said there that I think is so important to again, what happens to life will bring relaunches life will many times and I'm sure we're all sitting there thinking about your story where you have your dad take his life, but a month, two months before you had this person, and I literally do Don't think bone your business with the 2.5 million. And oftentimes relaunches stack up. Right? doesn't give you the time. It's like I just need a break. I just need, like, Can I not just be able to get my strength back before something else hits us? And it gave you such deep perspective because isolated the first incident, the business person, you know, the business partnership, that would have been an enormous relaunch. But then your dad's unexpectedly taking his life. It's like, hey, that the the other the 2.5 million bezeled, whatever he did you know that that's not life and death. And it put everything into perspective. But how did you during that time where you're being hit with relaunches? You know, simultaneously? Really? How did you? How did you? How did you pick yourself up because it is, as you called him, your rock, your rock was now gone?

JM Ryerson: 00:11:10

Well, I did a tremendous amount of meditation, I wrote a ton, I expressed my emotions completely with my wife was incredible through the entire process. I did, you know, therapy, and, and, and I just, I really made sure to take care of me. And obviously my mom who, as horrible as it is to lose your dad, imagine losing someone you've been married to for 5150 years. And so it allowed for this this time to really say, You know what, I'm not okay. And that's okay. And I'm not showing up as the best version of me right now, which is my entire life, my entire world is helping people show up as the best version of them. And I had to learn that all right, this is a challenge above and beyond anything I've faced. And I'm not okay right now. And I'm mad, I'm angry. And, and so I went through all of these emotions, and and there was a moment, it would have been in May. So it taken two months of pretty significant meditations. That's kind of my way of really plugging in and just centering myself. I'm at the gym, at my home, and there's a small gym in our neighborhood. And I'm in the sauna. And for whatever reason, this is the moment that I could see my dad's face for the first time in two months. I couldn't see it. And I could see him. Again, for those I'm sorry, I know, this is painful for people to talk about. But for me, it's therapeutic. I could see him heading in, which is how he did it. And I could see his face. And yeah, I looked at him and I said that. It's okay, I got this. And there's this moment of just like, it washed over me like, you know what, it is awful. And I miss him. And of course, I want him, I want to talk to him, and I want to hug him and I want to do all these things. But I can't, and I'm not going to be able to and that's that's that's okay. And it allowed me to start really coming back to feeling whole again and in really, you know, helping others. So I hope that answers your question. But it was a journey.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:13:30

I am like, I am definitely being taken back to that moment with my mom who passed away about three years ago. And right before she pads were driving and she said, I'm saddest about not being here for you. And I said, Mom, it's okay. I'm going to be okay. And I think that there is that moment that you can let everything destroy you. Because it is it's awful. You lose parents and you lose them. Mine was my mom, I lost to cancer. And the women in our lives of grandparents, you know, everyone lived into their hundreds. So to lose my mom at 78 was just like my rock. Right? That person I would call five times a day the person I called when I was going through a similar situation with a person that was in my board member who was doing a Ponzi scheme with my business ended up in federal prison. It's that moment where you say because you have that solid foundation as you said, you've got your meditation. I'd like to understand what what did meditation do for you and how did you practice it you said about writing but you also I really like people to understand how you use that, to help you get through this.

JM Ryerson: 00:15:06

Yeah. So to understand why I meditate to begin with, I use it so that I respond and I don't react. Now, I'm going through an extremely emotional time. And that sounds great. But I am all over the map with emotions, and I'm crying and I'm just angry. I was really angry at my dad, I was so so angry. And so for me, how did I do it, I, I have a certain breathing technique that I do when I do most of my meditations. And that allows me to really get centered get into the zone, if you will. And I was struggling, because what would happen Hillary is I would see my dad again, I just could never see his face. And it would interrupt this state that I was in where I'm feeling good. And I'm really, you know, reaching levels of subconscious and things that I want to reach. That's why I meditate, and he would interrupt it, and he would interrupt it, and he would enter, but I could never see his face. But when I finally saw his face, it was like, everything became whole again. And again, he's still gone, nothing's changed. But it allowed me to start to really rebuild and in become whole and and so again, meditation is just one of those things where I often will do mantras, often I'll just, I'll count often, I'll breathe. During that two month process. It was all sorts of messed up. And none of it was the way a typical meditation would go for me, and it would get halted immediately by him. But you know, for me, it was great. Just the chance to see him. So

Hilary DeCesare: 00:16:52

something now that you're going through, where do you? Is there a connection when I had my mom before my mom passed, I said, Mom, when you come back when you come back, because I do believe that everything is all one. And so when you come back, I love butterflies. But I see butterflies all the time, because I love them. And they are very symbolic. I want to know that you are that butterfly. And she and I were laughing. And I said what hit me in the face if it's you, like, you know, smack me with that butterfly, if it's really you. And we again, we're like, you know laughing about this. And so I woke up one morning, and I said, I said to my husband II I said I'm really missing my mom, there are these waves that I go through and it's like, I just want to call her I just I have something going on in my life. I just want to share with her. So I woke up this morning and I was like, huh, mom I knew to show you today. And we go on a walk and there is a butterfly up above or in front of my thought 20 feet in front of me and all of a sudden it's fluttering around like a butterfly does it be lines, it beeline straight into my face, like almost like I might. And it was big. And my husband standing there and he knows what my mom and I had discussed. And he's kind of like, looking at me with that weird like God, this is a little strange. It then goes circles around and does the same for him comes right at him. And then kind of does its thing. And I'm like it's it's Mom, do have you had any of those situations besides just the visual of seeing him in that that moment where he's hanging? Have you been able to take yourself past that moment?

JM Ryerson: 00:18:48

Yeah, so there's there's a bird that has showed up almost the moment my dad passed, and it's sat there. My wife observed it because I when I was in Orlando when I heard about it, then I came back to I live in Boca. And then I had to fly to Tucson, which is where my mom and my dad wore was, and so but my wife told me that bird literally sat on this windowsill and I've seen it many times since. And when those moments when I really need them. Now here's the interesting thing. My dad and I have a very big bond over fly fishing. That's how he and I would spend neither years and years I mean just that when we bonded. It would be fly fishing. We drink some wine at night and play cribbage that was how we bonded. And I only say that to say there came a moment and I didn't like this but I didn't want to fish anymore. And my younger son loves to fish and he reminds me so much my dad in so many amazing ways. But I would get angry again because I didn't want to fish because I again I was angry at him. I wanted to do these things with him and once Stop meditation happened. It was amazing how now I want to take trays my son's name, I want to take him fishing. And I'm now getting flooded with these really positive emotions, about the days of my dad and I doing the same thing. So those have been the positive triggers that have shown up in my life. And I will see that bird. And I can almost call my dad in a meditation, if I'm intentional about it, to see them to talk to him. And to be able to access now obviously, it's, it's a one way street. It's only me communicating for the most part. But those have been kind of the way that I've reconnected doing

Hilary DeCesare: 00:20:41

a jam because I felt that way too. And when I connect with my mom, I used to call her a ton in a car in the car. Because I lived in the Bay Area, we know it's an hour and a half to two hours anywhere you'd go. I would just talk to her right and then COVID hit and I wasn't driving and here's my mom's gone are not driving, I'm not in my car. So now whenever I go anywhere, it's when I hear and I actually hear her voice. And this I mean, I'm sure I'm well nowadays with you know, Bluetooth and everything. I don't look so crazy. But I'm literally talking to my mom as I'm driving. So it you and I do hear her, I hear her comments, I hear her inflections. And whenever I'm feeling that moment of like, I need that connection, I'll just get in the car, I'll be like, Here I am, again, doesn't matter where I'm going. But you'll help me get there. So we haven't really touched on the whole, you know, two things going at one time and the business challenges. But you, as you said at the very beginning are somebody that we lift people up, you really help them through the challenging times of life? Can you take us to the point where when you talk about let's go win, right? You're you're sitting here you have all these things you're going through, you still have your coaching practice, you're still doing everything yours, you're moving forward? How did it feel to be kind of like, I'm really not doing well. I'm really like, I'm struggling here. But then on the flip side, you're working with clients, and you're pushing out the book, and you're How did you really kind of work that in so that you didn't feel like you know, your two different jams?

JM Ryerson: 00:22:35

Well, it's a great question. By the way, the first chapter of my book is on vulnerability. And this is coming from a kid that was raised in Montana that was taught boys don't cry. So I've grown to know that that's all BS. And vulnerability is one of the most profound changes that I made in leadership. And I say that to say with my clients, I was completely vulnerable and open and honest. And here's what happened. It became even more relatable. They, it was a different bond than I had ever had with clients before. We're now James not just strong, and we're doing our steps. And he's just helping me now it was together. We're really in this. And so what I would say to people, and what was really impactful for me, is it reaffirmed how important being vulnerable being authentic, and I developed a system that's called show up is you. And all that is is just being your genuine, authentic self, no masks, take that stuff off. And it just really, really sunk in about it's okay to not be okay. And as a leader. It's really okay that you don't know all the answers, because that's crazy anyway. And so as I'm coaching, I found my clients to be so much more receptive to what I was saying, because I'm letting them in more. And it was interesting because, again, as a leader, as a as a mindset, Coach performance, you want to be there for them, you want to be that strength and that rock. And in my moments of not being able to be as strong quote unquote, as I was in the past, it was the greatest strength that could have shown. And I found that to be true, Hillary over and over when I share this story, especially when I'm on stage. Crowds will look at me and like if they don't know me that yeah, who is this guy, right? Just this guy. And then I share my story and immediately people bond with Me they connect because this mental health challenge is affected everyone. And the more that we can get this out that it's not shameful that it's not a bad thing, the more that people can say, You know what, I have this experience, blah, blah, blah. And I've received that so often. So that was really the answer for me is just to be be more authentic and vulnerable with my clients.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:25:03

So when you're talking about show up, as you show up as yourself, sometimes, you know, we've created these identities that are have defined us for so long that the thought of, you know, well, how do I, how do I even begin? And you said, You know what feels right to you. If somebody is listening right now, and they're saying, you know, what could they do today? What if they're just wondering, the smallest little first step in trying to get to that place where you can actually be vulnerable? Because people don't know how to cross the chasm and say, Oh, my God, it's, you know, it's this huge Grand Canyon. And I yeah, I know, I need to do that. But like you said, you grew up in the time in Montana, where boys don't cry. How do you? How do you take people through that first, that first day of like, here's what you can start with?

JM Ryerson: 00:26:02

Yeah, I was asked the same question. What story are you telling yourself, and then they ultimately give me a bunch of labels, which by the way, labels are not meant for human beings. They're meant for boxes. So stop. But I asked them, Tell me your story. And so they do. And let's just say often, I'll hear I'm shy, blah, blah, blah. Okay, well, does. Is that true? Yes, no, whatever the answer is, is that how you want to show up? And how is that supporting you? And those three questions, it really opens eyeballs, because for ever, let's say you're a shy eight year old, and then you're shy, 20 year old. And so everyone in your world knows you as this shy person. But that's still a choice, you could be the most outgoing person tomorrow, if you chose to be. It's truly your decision. And so when when I kind of let people in on the secret, like, you can choose to be whatever you want to be every single day, it is your choice, right? Because I do believe there's two things, you're in complete control of your attitude, and your activity. Now, that doesn't mean that mom and dad and sister brother and all these people that have known you as the shy person all your life, they're going to try and label you that for a long time. And that's okay. That's their story. It's not yours. And you don't have any control over what anybody else says. So once you let that control go, now it's like, oh, wait a minute, I can wake up tomorrow, and be whatever I choose. Is that true? Yes. Why not? And so that's when people really start saying, Well, I want to be confident, and I haven't been for 35 years. Okay, well, date and you know, 36 year, we're going to be confident, that's your choice. And so it allows them to start labeling, giving them a positive label, because people can't help it. I've, I've respected the fact that they like to label themselves, but let's label yourself something that's supporting what we're trying to do.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:28:02

You know, I read something and I can't remember where I read it, but it was about was it Clark Kent wine v. Superman, or was Superman in Clark Kent. And the same thing goes for Diana, Prince, Wonder Woman, or it was Wonder Woman all along in Diana Prince. And I think it's an interesting juxtaposition, as you said, in the labels, like, I see, you know, when we think of like, The Incredible Hulk, I don't know why music nowadays, Marvel and types, I don't know, but I want to go with that. credible, The Incredible Hulk and all of a sudden, it goes from the skinny little guy, and he busts out of it. And he gets, you know, the big green muscles and everything, I kind of have that image of, you have this ability to be whatever you're going to want to be, but you get to define it. And we can break free of this, you know, the I got to be this way. And I think one of the biggest challenges and I'd love to get your perspective is many times people feel like I'm making such great strides. I'm really, you know, being this awesome leader and awesome husband and awesome wife and all these great things and then you go back into a family situation. It's the holidays, it's the Mother's Day event, it's whatever Easter or whatever it is, and you kind of go back into how do you how do you help people realize, you know, kind of stepping out of that, that you know, get rid of the chains. How do you do that?

JM Ryerson: 00:29:41

Yeah, it's such a, again, another great point. And I see it so often because of the hard wires because of the conditioning because of that's the way we were raised right that these are the people that are telling me who I am and that's what I'm accepting. And so then I go back home and everybody wants to put me Back in that box, and the first thing I say is, it's okay for you to say, Hey, by the way, that's not who I am. I understand. That's how you see me. And that's cool. But that's not actually who I am. If you can just verbalize that to someone, whether it be a parent, where they say something that really, uh, you know, it just brings you down and you're like, ah, Mom, I am not this little kid. I'm a grown man, that's blah, blah, blah. We need to say, you know, my, my, I appreciate that. That's how you see me. But that's not who I am. That's all. That's all you need to say. Now, you're not

Hilary DeCesare: 00:30:39

WhatsApp, it's a simple store. It's like a simple answer that you just gave to really break free from the story that they're putting on you.

JM Ryerson: 00:30:48

Yeah, because it's a story. It's not theirs. And by the way, this is another big one where I coach people, I'm like, Look, you It's none of your business what anyone else thinks of you. Zero. And by the way, you have zero control of what anyone else thinks of you. Does that mean you shouldn't try to be likable and your intention should be pure? No, of course, be that. But if somebody thinks you're an absolute jerk, Look, somebody hated Mother Teresa. It's a fact. And that's crazy. But it's just the way it is. So it's none of your business to spend any amount of time thinking about what anyone else thinks about you. So it's not. And when you can start to make that a part of your process when you start to make that part of who you are. Man, life gets really fried.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:31:36

Jam. This has been so good. I wish we could continue to talk. There's so many other questions I have. But at this point, when people want to get in touch with you want to hear how to move forward with you? How can they reach out? Yeah,

JM Ryerson: 00:31:48

well, thank you, a Hillary, you asked amazing questions. And I'm so proud and honored to be here. It to get in touch with me, let's go win 365 on any social media platform, let's go win podcasts I'm very proud of, I assume you're going to be on my show soon. Or at least that's my intent,

Hilary DeCesare: 00:32:05

I would love it. I want to keep this conversation going. So that's a perfect next step.

JM Ryerson: 00:32:11

Perfect. And then let's go in anywhere, you should see, let's go in and I'll be there. And I again, I really appreciate you having me and allowing me to share, it was really impactful.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:32:23

I think what you said today was so important for people, you know, there's tragedies that are happening in so many people's lives, and they're trying to keep it you know, I don't want people to know about this. We've had suicide in our family. And, you know, I grew up with you know, kind of the don't talk about it, we don't talk about that we don't want anyone to know about it. And it only makes it worse, only makes it worse. And I appreciate so much what you're doing for people with your programs with let's go win. Because it is, you know, you need the tools and the meditation. And some of the other ways journaling, just get it out, get it out, give it an opportunity to not fester within you. That's that's when you have some relief. And the other point I really appreciated you saying is that you can't rush this process, grief. You know, I've heard this great analogy where you have a broken heart. It's like a broken bone. We want things to be better instantaneously. But it takes time it takes time to heal. And so thank you for for allowing us with your story to realize that for many of us that are going through challenging times right now and relaunching and trying to figure out like, How can I speed up the process. Sometimes you just gotta let it come to you when it's right, and be able to give it the space and the time it needs. And as I said, with my mom or three years, I woke up a couple days ago, very heavy hearted, knowing that they're still it's still healing. That is that I don't know if it'll ever go away. But I know that I am consistently pulling myself and going back to that song, I'm going to do it. I'm doing a jam. You know, you get knocked down, and you have those moments, but you do get back up and you get back up with the help of people like you. So thank you so much. Thank you for being here, everyone, as you know, live now. Love now relaunch now into that best version of you personally and professionally. Take care and we'll be back next week.