Embracing Pain to Unlock Personal ReLaunches

Hilary DeCesare: 00:00:00

Welcome everybody to the ReLaunch podcast. And there are those moments in time when I bring to you someone that will literally impact your life change the way you think about life experiences. And I am so beyond excited to share this individual story. They call this like there's the sleeping giant in every human and Brian's purpose in life, who you're going to be meeting is to awaken those giants within and turn them into Legends by helping them grab what they believe, is just out of their grasp. Brian is a heart surgeon without a blade, he does not start outside with what you need to do. He starts inside with who you are. In a world that is disconnected Brian is revolutionizing how individuals, leaders and entrepreneurs deeply connect with their authentic selves to achieve the best version of themselves at just seven years old, Brian faced and we're gonna go into this with the relaunch, so I am not going to give you the details. But based on his struggles, what he had to go through the fact that he is here now willing to share his story is literally going to keep you at the edge of your seat. And his belief that everyone's story is as important as his own is what makes him one of the most accessible, relatable, that's what I really love, and authentic individuals that you will ever meet.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:02:03

You're listening to the ReLaunch Podcast and I'm your host Hillary to DeCesare, best selling author, speaker and transformational coach widely recognized in the worlds of neuro psychology and business launches, which cultivated the one and only three HQ method, helping midlife women. Yep, that's me to rebuild a life of purpose, possibility and inspiring business ventures. Each week, we'll be diving into the stories that brought upon the most inspirational relaunches while sharing the methods and the secrets that they learned along the way, so that you too can have not just an ordinary relaunch, but an extraordinary relaunch.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:02:54

It is my absolute pleasure to introduce you to a gentleman, Brian Bogert, and Brian, thank you for being here and going down this relaunch journey with me.

Brian Bogert: 00:03:11

Well, it's my pleasure to be here with you Hillary I like I was mentioning to you pre show I've had multiple relaunches, I've got a phoenix bird tattooed on my right arm because I've burned myself to ashes and risen from those multiple times. And it's always in those moments that I see my greatest growth, my greatest transformation, and typically a ripple effect of impact that follows and so it's, it's, I'm excited to be here with you today.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:03:33

Wow. It's fantastic. And I know before we were talking, and I, you know, I'm, I'm so interested in people and how they, it's the comeback, it's the ability to go down and relaunch, you know, I always think, you know, you get knocked down, but you get up again, and it's like, I love finding out how people do that, to inspire others. So I know that I cut it out of your bio, because I do really want people to hear it directly from you versus me, you know, transcribe and so tell us about what did happen when you were seven?

Brian Bogert: 00:04:14

Yeah, August 10 1992, was 6:10pm was 115 degree day in Phoenix, Arizona. My mom, my brother and I had gone to our local Walmart to just get a one inch paintbrush to complete a home improvement project. And as we were headed back to the car, it was no surprise to my mom or my brother that I was the first one there. What you'll already notice is I talk fast, I walk fast, I moved fast. I love everything. When I say often in the beginning of a podcast is like look, I also come with the desire to add as much value and impact as possible. So I tell people like hey, if you have a hard time tracking slowed me down to half speed so you can absorb it and re listen. That's my style because I want to come in and impact but why was that the first one in the car. I wanted to get home and put that paintbrush to use and this was the Back in the days before there was key fobs, right? So I had to wait for my mom to literally stick her hand in the purse, grab the key, sticking the door, turn it so that we could go on with our way, right. And while

Hilary DeCesare: 00:05:10

older people I still under I get that I know all of those days.

Brian Bogert: 00:05:17

My first car was a physical t like it's yeah, it was just it was one of those things, but it's the reason it's so important to think about that is today we didn't even think about our car is unlocked, and in today's world, I might have been sitting in the backseat. By the time everything else took place, which happened in those few moments, there was a truck that pulled up in front of the store and parked, the driver in the middle passenger got out in the passenger all the way to the right felt the truck moving backwards. So pillory, he knew what any one of us would do, and scoot it over, put his foot on the brake, but instead hit the gas, combination of shock and force throw up on the steering wheel, throw them up on the dashboard, he was unable to get off. And by the time he got to us he was going 42 miles an hour across the parking lot with us having zero time to react. So we were in an end spot, he goes up and over the median hits the tree goes over the tree, hits our car knocks me to the ground, and runs over me diagonally tearing my spleen, leaving a tire drugstore in my stomach and continuing on to sever my left arm completely from my body. Oh my god. The next thing my mom hears is my brother's voice that says Mom brands arms over there. And as she gazes up the parking lot at 10 feet across, she sees a trail of muscle that's cooking like hamburger on the asphalt, right? Wow. Well, you have to pause and always acknowledge the woman that is responsible for me being here beyond my mom, because she definitely is responsible for a lot of that. But there was a nurse that walked out of the store right when this took place. And she saw the literal life and limb scenario that took place in front of her. And she rushed immediately into action. Now I've said for years that I was forever indebted to this woman. But that comment became even more powerful when I met her for the first time on the 30th anniversary last year.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:06:58

And chills on that. That is yeah, it was a magical

Brian Bogert: 00:07:01

moment. And as we were talking, I come to find out that she had a friend with her that day that had the same nurse training at the same level that she did, who turned to go on with her day. Now what I want to be clear on is I have no malice, no negative energy. No, she had every right to do that. And that I don't have a negative energy. But what I'm trying to reinforce is the power of a singular choice by a singular person and the ripple effect that took place because the woman who did save my life came over and stopped the bleeding on the main wound, which guaranteed my survival. But she also simultaneously instructed some innocent bystanders to run inside grab a cooler so that my arm could get on ice within minutes. Had she not done one or both of those things. I either wouldn't be here with you today. But I'd be here with you today with the cleaned up stump. That's just the reality. And so what I do know and what I have to always say after I tell this story, because I've been telling it for so long. The more I've told it, the more I hear so many other incredible stories. And the reality of it is it's not just my story, right? It's it's your story, it's your ability to pause long enough to become aware of the lessons you can extract from your story. So you can become intentional in how you apply them in your life moving forward, right, and we all have the ability to do that. But we also all have the ability to tap into the collective wisdom of other people's stories to shorten our own curve to learning. Now, I've literally paid a lot of dues in my life. I've called myself a practitioner of pain, and I can experience that financially, mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally, right. But what that also means is that I've understood how to move through that pain and how to create freedom in my life in a variety of ways. And now today, that's what we try to do is to unlock and free other people to live the lives that they want not to be like me or my slave.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:08:45

And so it's really fascinating. I am sitting here and I just got chills up and down my entire body. I had forgotten about a situation that happened until you shared your story. And that situation was when my twins were learning how to drive they would drive to school. And that situation where one of the kids thought they had put the car in. They didn't and I didn't have the chance i There were kids right in front of us about probably 20 feet in front because it's carpool. And I knew I couldn't race around to get to the other side and get in so I jumped over the you know the little mid part of the car. And I literally tapped the gas before I was consciously aware. Then God and immediately put my foot on the bud. I was literally going towards this little boy who is taking his backpack out of the back of his car. I mean, oh my god, this just flooded back into I gotta I honestly feel like sick to my stomach right now with with that story and I remember like, nothing happened and everything was just fine and I never really thought of it again Never because nothing ever happened and it was fine and you know all that but until you just said that. So this this happened at seven and your mom and your brother were fine. Is that correct?

Brian Bogert: 00:10:27

Basically yes they saw things that I will never see but yes, right physically

Hilary DeCesare: 00:10:31

but emotionally I

Brian Bogert: 00:10:33

was the only one injured. Yeah,

Hilary DeCesare: 00:10:34

so the trauma though they have is a very different type of trauma. So from there you started to go through a series because I just if you're watching this as a video you can see his arm Ryan's got you know definitely scars and but my god you got the arm, you got the arm that arm

Brian Bogert: 00:10:53

the arm. It's right next to me. It's my own. And and

Hilary DeCesare: 00:10:57

so what happened? Like what was the course that took you because I know, you had yet another experience when you were older, with the same arm. So let's let's talk about what happened and kind of walk through that?

Brian Bogert: 00:11:11

Well, let's let's take it in chunks, because I think that'll make some sense. And let's let's address the chunk like right after the accident, right. And I'll tell you that, really a couple of my core lessons were embedded in that period of time, because even though I was in a fog, my parents certainly were not. Right. And they were intimately aware of the unceasing medical treatments and years of physical therapy. And the idea of seeing their son grow up without the use of his left arm became a source of great potential suffering for them. So they literally willed themselves day in and day out to do what was necessary to do what was tough to ultimately strengthen and heal me, right. And so though it was probably not intentional, what they did was they embedded in me a way of living, and a concept and philosophy that I teach, which is to embrace pain to avoid suffering. And I also believe this is where we gain freedom. Now, we won't go deep on that for the moment. But what I'll tell you is, is in that period of my life, even though that's when that lesson was formed, that wasn't exactly how I was living in every aspect, right? I came out of the hospital at seven years old. And I immediately remember a variety of things. First, I recall sitting in the hospital originally and thinking to myself at age seven, like what is my life gonna look like? Why me feeling sorry for myself as early and as young as I was?

Hilary DeCesare: 00:12:26

Yeah, you're a second, right?

Brian Bogert: 00:12:29

That's a second second grade. Yeah, exactly. I was I was actually pre second grade. I was in summer right before my second grade year. So the first half of my second grade, I had a homeschool teacher, because I couldn't go to school. And so like, there was a total adjustment, we had just gotten back from actually living abroad, because we had been in England for my first grade year. And so that's a whole nother story. But the reality of it is, is when I came back, and we're sitting here, I remember feeling sorry for myself. And then families in the ICU started coming up to us. And we're saying we're so sorry, we're so sorry for what happened to you, and come to find out, they're kids laying in the hospital bed next to me with a terminal illness and doesn't know if they're gonna live in under 30 days. Right? That was another primary lesson that I got in that period of time was I learned not to get stuck by what had happened to me, but instead got, I learned to get moved by what I could do with it. And I believe that move people move people and so on our mission to impact over a billion lives as quickly as possible. I'm trying to move as many as possible because they'll move more, right? That's how we can get a ripple effect through the world. But I also remember them coming out of the hospital, thinking like, okay, cool, like, I'm the normal one, I'm not gonna die in 30 days, and then I've got a teddy bear in between my arm because my arm has to be at 90 degrees. So it's clear my arm is broken. And inevitably, people ask what happened to you? Well, they were expecting me to be like, Well, I was racing my brother down the street, and I crashed, or I fell off to go to the jammer. But my reality was just very matter of fact, I was run over by a truck on my left arm was torn off. And inevitably what they would do 99% of times, they would pause. They turned to my parents for validation, which told me that they didn't believe my own truth. They didn't believe my story. Right? So I remember it seven starting to realize like, okay, if I'm not being seen and understood, I don't feel connected, I don't feel protected, I don't feel safe. Which of the four things we all seek and desire in the human connection and human experience, right? And so the reality of it is, is what happens, I start realizing, okay, well, my truth isn't being told. And then on top of that, those same people will start viewing me through their lens of what they'd be capable of, in my situation, immediately limiting what I was gonna be able to do in my life. Right. And I remember and these weren't my words, at the time, it was the expression, I certainly felt my internal reaction was like that. Right? And so what happened I formed a mental narrative in that period of time, which because I was told mental toughness mental like this is it if you just need to be mentally strong through this period, right. So that's what I focused on. Brian's good brain strong brains capable brand can do anything himself. And I lived that way for 13 years. And I did a lot of epic stuff. And I overcame lots and lots and lots and I was proving to myself more than anyone that I could. But it was also the external world that was still telling me that they believed I couldn't, and I was believing it. So I had to constantly fight through this process of getting myself there. And it serves me well, to fast forward to that next pivotal element. At age 20. I went snowboarding, I was a pretty darn good snowboarder, I could fall down and dig in an edge and pop right back up like nothing ever skipped. I didn't fall that often. But one time I fell. And I went down. And immediately I knew that my arm broke my left arm. And long story short on what happened there, that period of time taught me more up at that point in my life than my original accident, dude. Oh, and I used to think that my accident was my transformation story. The reality of it was it was the thing that created all the traction from my past that I had just learned to bury. Every time I pushed through, I pushed down every time I pushed through, I pushed down. And I didn't realize how much I disconnected myself and how much I really hid behind that mental narrative, which was armor and protection.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:16:16

That's so critical for people to really understand that armor and protection. You know, the I call it hell on the hallway, keep putting things behind those doors, closing them. But eventually, the doors will

Brian Bogert: 00:16:31

open. We teach we teach a lot around the concept of armor and what it's actually protecting. And I believe that typically whenever we try to protect ourselves, we're guaranteeing that we'll disconnect ourselves. Right?

Hilary DeCesare: 00:16:44

I want to go back though you did say some of the core lessons embrace pain to avoid suffering and not to get stuck, be moved? Can you go into a little bit more detail around? What that actually really means to you, especially core lessons embrace pain to avoid suffering?

Brian Bogert: 00:17:06

Yeah, I'll give you an expedited version of that. And then I'll bring it full circle even to this next period of life that was a part of this story. First, we have to understand pain, we have to understand suffering for us to be able to, you know, understand this concept, right? And what does the world tell us the world tells us to reduce eliminate or avoid pain at all costs. Right? That's literally what we hear when we see commercials all the time, and billboards and banners and everything to give us any amount of relief in the moment because that's all we can exist in. Well, pain is defined as short term intermittent and the direct cause of something and alleviated once that direct causes removed. So then we as humans put adjectives in front of it, which screw up the definition like acute and chronic. Now acute maintains it. But chronic inherently changes the definition because it implies that it persists after that direct causes removed. So it's not really pain, it's actually suffering. We don't want to admit that suffering exists, particularly when it's a direct result of our choices. But the unavoidable precursor to change is acceptance. So until you accept the current state of things, you cannot alter them. And so for us, we have to understand what is this dynamic? And how do these play off of each other. Okay, so I'll give a few examples. We can embrace the pain of hitting the gym for 30 minutes a day to avoid the suffering of aches and pains from a sedentary lifestyle. We can embrace the pain of a difficult conversation with a loved one or spouse to avoid the suffering of either being stuck in a loveless marriage or wanting to get out of a marriage and feeling like you absolutely cannot write, you can embrace the pain of the fit your kids are sure to throw by having them shut off the TV or put down the mobile devices at dinner time to avoid the suffering of yours have lost meaningful connection and conversation that you'll never get back. As a business owner, you can embrace the pain of firing your top salesperson who's contributing the most to top line growth, to avoid the suffering of stagnation and losing all your other top talent because they were the greatest cancer in your culture. Right? The reality of it is is that there is a thought process and a philosophy and we teach a framework around this. But that's the concept. And I believe that this is something that we can apply in every area of our lives, which is literally like identifying and acknowledging the suffering we wish to avoid identifying the pains we tend to avoid and learning to embrace them and then establish isn't it a habit? Right now here's the trick. The pains we tend to avoid. Most people think the things that are keeping them stuck keeping you stuck or because you have the wrong strategy and tactics in your world. I get the best sales system I've ever make this amount of money if I get to this outcome if I do, all my problems are gonna go away,

Hilary DeCesare: 00:19:31

right? It's always if I have that if I have that if I have that. Yep,

Brian Bogert: 00:19:36

strategies and tactics are critically important for leveraging your business and your life but it is not what keeps you stuck. Inevitably Patrasche from your past which is connected to the emotional triggers, behavioral patterns and environmental conditioning are always what will show up and be the repeat patterns, the fatal flaws the things you thought you worked through, but continue to resurface in your life. Those places that still keep you feeling unworthy, disconnected Write or any other negative low frequency energy, if you're existing there, there's unresolved trash from your past. And it may not be connected to a trauma, but it's showing up in your real time life. And so that is the concept of embrace pain to avoid.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:20:15

Talk about that, that it shows up in real time and your life, because a lot of times, we're going so fast through life, that we miss the clues. We don't even want to see what's right in front of us. We don't want to hear. And we don't even want to listen to what we're being guided. How do you help people because I know you have, you know, through all of the relaunches that you've been through, you've come up with some really incredible strategies to help people with that. What if people are listening right now? It's like, okay, hey, how do I even start? How do we even start to go down this path of being able to do this?

Brian Bogert: 00:20:58

Yeah, you know, there's the primary core concept that we really are teaching people on how to deal with these pieces right now, which are to get yourself out of the fight or flight state, the reactionary state to put yourself into a calm, diffuse neutral state that you can respond, right? Like, that's the goal for so many. And yet we continually find ourselves repeating these patterns. So what is a trigger moment? What is what is the trash from our past, I'll give a few examples. It's that moment when your spouse looks at you, and implies or you receive that you've loaded the dishwasher incorrectly. But it has nothing to do with the dishwasher, and nothing to do with your spouse and everything to do with how your grandpa looked at you and your for. Right. It's it's that moment where I was sitting in a boardroom with a multibillion dollar client. Knowing that the prior six months I was the one that opened the door, I was the one that built the relationships, I was the one that coordinated the teams. And I don't say that from an ownership perspective, because when I brought the team in, they'd leaned over and tapped me on the shoulder and say, I can't talk so fast. You can't talk so loud. And even though I was the one responsible for everyone being in that room, what would I do? I'd still shrink down, I bite my tongue, I'd feel less worthy. It's those moments when my wife used to ask me something as simple as, Hey, honey, what are you gonna do with the kids this weekend? And my shame filter would cause me to hear it this way, which was, Hey, honey, you've not done enough to be a good husband and father here recently. So what are you gonna do to make up for it this weekend? Not what my wife said. But that's what I heard and reacted to. Now all of a sudden, what have I done, I've gotten defensive, I've elevated and I rattle off the 10 things I've done to show her I'm a good husband and father. That wasn't even what she asked. Right? The trash from our past are those things that cause us to high historical moments and cellular memory to present state 99% of the time, by the way, what you're reacting to has nothing to do with what's right in front of you, and everything to do with the interaction your past.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:22:51

Let's hold on, let's say that again, because that is so important. That 79%

Brian Bogert: 00:22:57

of the time, what you're reacting to, has nothing to do with what's right in front of you and everything to do with the trash from your past.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:23:04

Right. So with that said, as you go through starting to work with someone and you hear it, you're like, alright, alright, they're saying this, but I know what they're really meaning is this, because you have the experience. Now you have that, that coaching, you know, sense? But how do you get people to start to look at it on a different level, on a different level that you know what? I know, that's what's triggering me, but that's not the real problem.

Brian Bogert: 00:23:35

Yeah, well, there's a whole framework that we guide people through with our pillars that I don't know that we have time to cover completely on the show. So I'm gonna hit the tops of the waves perfect.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:23:45

I love just

Brian Bogert: 00:23:46

a very, very, very first, the very, very first point that people have to get to is is two things. One, you have to admit that there's actually trash from your past and that it is somehow creating or dumping garbage in areas of your world. Okay, and here's the reality, most people are like, well, I don't have trash. I don't know if I'm trash. Just listen to this question. And if you feel anything that doesn't feel good or positive, you have trash. Who was the last person that made you feel like garbage? Everyone has trashed myself included. Here's the catch. The trash from your past is not your fault. But it does become your responsibility once you become aware of it, or you start burying others in yours. What do I mean by it's not your fault? Most of the time, it's generationally inherited, it's patterned down my wife and I've been able to trace our own personal triggers back through generations in our own family lines to understand the patterns that just happen subconsciously, because we don't even know what's going on. Right. So those are the two things we have to get to out of the gate is that you have trash, and oh, by the way, it's not your fault. So Let's stop the blame and shame game because that just eliminates it eliminates all forward progress. And the problem with most awareness is that most people just become more aware of all the ways that you should be judging yourself instead of actually understanding what to do about it, okay, so we teach pillars, and I'll list what they all are, but I can't break them all down for you. Awareness is always going to come first. Totally agree, right? Because you cannot be intentional with what you're unaware of. When we talked about five pillars, I want to be clear to you, this isn't a linear process, it's more like an infinity sign that you're constantly moving back in and out of, okay. There is no final destination

Hilary DeCesare: 00:25:36

before you go into the next one awareness. You know, even I find sometimes people have a difficult time saying, well, what's the best way to be aware. And I know what I always encourage people to do is, you know, you have to have a, I call it the pause principle, you gotta you gotta pause throughout your day, you can't just, if you're running so fast, if you are, you know, high octane all the time you're missing, you can't be aware of everything. Like if you're driving a Mazda Rottie on the highway, and you're going, you know, 150, to whatever it goes up to, you're gonna miss things along, because you can't see them. They're going by so fast. And so how do you share that? Like, hey, here's how you have to be aware. Here's the first step.

Brian Bogert: 00:26:25

Yeah, so I think the point you make is very valid. And that's a pattern I used to exist in. You know, my doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo self, right, didn't ever allow me to be right. And when I couldn't be, I couldn't feel I couldn't think I couldn't understand. I couldn't reason I couldn't do any of it. That allowed me to move, right. So even what you just said, I think so many people were given a gift just three years ago, because the entire world was knocked out on autopilot simultaneously. And all of our morning routines went out the window that we would forget how we got to the office 50% of the time, because we were just in autopilot. And all of a sudden, every muscle was being flexed in our bodies, mind souls on adjusting to this change, right? And everybody felt it. But look what happened, alcohol abuse went up, drug abuse went up, domestic abuse rates went up, suicide rates went up, because people have a really hard time sitting still and actually allowing themselves to be okay, because they're afraid to sit in those moments of garbage. Okay, so I have to just reinforce what you said, because that's the very first thing. By the way, if you can remove the blame and shame, it's less scary to sit in it. Okay? Because again, awareness is not about just becoming more aware of all the ways you should be judging yourself. Awareness is about extracting how you feel, the narratives and the lessons tied to your experiences that allow you to see you more clearly. This is about perspective.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:27:50

This is about extracting how you feel. I like that. Love the concept right there. Because if that is the biggest takeaway right now, that is so good understanding how do you feel understanding where it's resonating in your body? Understanding what situations do to you? Every time that person walks in the room? I get all riled up or you know, every time that person I just think a little mom, like, oh, horrible. Yeah, so so great to just have that, you know, concept of, of taking it in of having the, there's this program, meditation premiere, you've heard headspace, right. And one of the things they always get you to do is start at your head and literally scan your body where you're feeling it. And what you're telling us to do is exactly that. Exactly, that scan it.

Brian Bogert: 00:28:43

Yeah, and we get we get even more detailed into that and one of our pillars specifically because it is really about getting in the body even more so. So awareness for most people just starts at the understanding of these pieces at the highest level. But ultimately, throughout the pillars, we get a lot deeper because we have to write because here's the reality until you get to the source or source of this trash. It will continue to haunt you. Right. And the other part of it is, is you don't ever really get rid of all of it. Because whether it's shame or anger or fear or scarcity, which by the way, are often very connected to the same patterns and the same emotions, they just get labeled all the way different, right? But the reality is, they'll be adversaries in constant pursuit because of the cellular memory that exists in your body until the day that you die. So the the thing is, is I used to live in these low frequency energetic states, these low emotional states, these anger moments that would cause damage in my world. I'd live in them for months and years. Right and and then I started raising my awareness and doing the work and then I'd live in it for months and sometimes weeks. But the reality of it is is what I'm trying to teach everyone is that it doesn't have to last longer than minutes in moments. We genuinely have the ability to put ourselves in the present and if we can separate ourselves from the moment of reaction and understand what it's actually about. We often don't even have to react. But it takes a lot of work to get there. So the next step I will tell you is ownership. Awareness is there, but ownership is the next piece because this is actively accepting your part or your responsibility for your issues in life, business relationships and health. Again, blame and shame are off the table, because this is about perspective. Right? Ownership was that time in April of 2021, when my wife sat down with me, only nine months after I executed my buy, sell in the $15 million business I built the 10 years prior, sitting here, knowing that I left just to pour into people to become exactly who they are, and live the lives that they want. And I got to sit there and listen to my wife say that things I've done ways that I've shown up patterns I've created had contributed to a path of her losing who she was. It led to anger conversations that I didn't even know I was angry, right, buried so deep, it could barely be excavated. And the reality of it is, is when I shut off physical pain, because it exceeded my ability to cope, I shut off emotional pain, spiritual pain, and mental pain for 2025 years, right, and I hid behind that narrative. And I've genuinely believe that if we do not feel we do not heal. But ownership meant, hey, guess what I had to own the fact that those reaction moments created damage in my relationship that caused the lack of emotional safety for my wife, those ways that I showed up with my kids in the first five years of their life created belief systems within them because of the energy that dad would bring into the environment. That wasn't what they deserved, or what they were working on that my anger and protection kept me more distant from my in laws for the first 14 years of our relationship, because I didn't trust something that I couldn't get through, right, like, so what happened, I admit the anger to my wife clear my calendar for the next 10 days. And I go, and I have breakfast with her parents talking about how their daughter deserves better, how I'm gonna show up better how they're going to do these things. And her dad reinforced one of the points I've been teaching my son since the day he was born, the world will never judge you, based on your intent. The world will always judge you based on your actions. Essentially, what he said to me in that moment is essentially what he said in that moment is great, you talk too much show me?

Hilary DeCesare: 00:32:15

Yeah, stop just talking, walk the walk, like do ownership

Brian Bogert: 00:32:18

is literally creating repair as well, right? Because when you create damage, you have to want to own it, but you have to go then create the repair. Because without repair, the energy still exists, that disconnection still exists. There's no ability to defuse neutralize, and move through something. Yeah. So good.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:32:35

So as we're about to wrap up, are there other steps that you just want to make sure that we hit before we hit them

Brian Bogert: 00:32:43

at the highest highest level, unpacking is the heaviest part. And this is where we feel for the purpose of healing. Okay, this is allowing yourself to feel the trash from your past and understand physiologically how it shows up in your body. This is one of the points I wanted to make based on what you were saying before, because this is where we get deeper. Often I'll say to someone after the question, who was the last person made you feel like garbage? They know immediately. It's like, okay, well, what did that feel like in your body? Most people will label it with like, either an emotion or a label that describes it, right? So it'll either be like, oh, man, I felt anxious, or I felt stressed, or I felt heavy, or I felt a little bit of weight. Physiologically, what's going on in your body? What's going on with your heart rate? What's going on with your lungs? What's going on? Like? Do you feel tension anywhere, like what is happening, you have to be able to identify those pieces, because that's where you start to heal and repair. Flipping the lid is the fifth pillar. What this is, is can be done in a moment. But it can also be done regularly and consistently. At the end of the day. This is laying out your trash in the light, again, objectively non judgmentally. And reviewing each day, what those moments of trigger have been, what the emotional and intellectual narratives were so that you can start to unpack and find real truth. Right? This is also in the moment. Now if my wife asked me a question that I don't hear clearly, and I react to it, I can also flip my lid real time and say, Hey, babe, I just reacted to what you said, which tells me I probably didn't hear you correctly. Can you please restate it? And if I'm not able to calm down, maybe we can pause this and revisit it later. So that there's nothing that escalates, right? It's real time awareness, ownership and unpacking in the moment so that I prevent damage before whatever is created. That's where we start to change patterns and reestablish trust. And then move is the piece that I think is really important because it's how does it move through your body? How does it move through your world so you can move through it? Okay, moving through your body is those physiological responses, I told you two different ways shame showed up in my body, right? Anger reaction in one way, shame reaction, I shrunk down in another way. Shame moves through my body five or six different ways anger moves through my body five or six different ways. But I need to know that because then I can start to identify one of the things externally that trigger me. I have over 50 Shame triggers that I'm aware of and over 60 Anger triggers that I'm aware of. Why is that important? Because when my doorbell goes off, and my two little chihuahuas start barking, and my attention goes through the roof because I want to slam something through the window because it drives me crazy from a sensory perspective. I need to be able to calm my energy so that when either one of My two special needs kids jumps in my lap right after that, they get calm, neutral, safe, gentle dad, not reactionary energy, because that's what they're feeling. So I have to know these patterns so that I can catch myself and move through them and understand what I'm separating. I know, I talked fast, I know we're wrapping up pillars, and only halfway through weren't gonna give the justice and the path,

Hilary DeCesare: 00:35:24

you know what I think. And also, you could be my first guest that nobody will be listening double time. In fact, they'll probably be listening at 50% time. Which is so great. One question I do want to ask you. And I often ask it either during the show or after is, if you could go back and change what happened to you when you were seven, or what happened, you and your 20, would you

Brian Bogert: 00:35:51

I would never change anything that happened to me. Like I said, I get moved by what I can do with it, I would change actions and decisions that I made had, I had more knowledge. But the reality of it is, is that those were the best that could do in that moment, as well. And they ultimately led me to where I am to have the knowledge, wisdom and experiences I do. So, you know, I can beat myself up for those moments that I used to scare my kids when I would scream when they were little. But my seven year old daughter, almost eight, and my nine year old son don't even remember their dad that way anymore. And so the reality of it is I wish I could take that back and get that time back. But I can't what I can do is focus on right now. And that's just how I live my life. One breath one moment, one step at a time.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:36:32

Brian, what a great conversation and how can people follow you get into your world, what's the best place to send them.

Brian Bogert: 00:36:41

If you're on the web, go to Brianbogert.com. If you're on social media on all channels, including YouTube and LinkedIn, it's at VO group, Brian, we love to engage with those that engage with us. And we realized that 99.999% of those billion lives that we impact will never pay us $1. So we have lots and lots and lots of resources because we want to make sure that everyone regardless of their ability to pay can get the resources they need to move and grow in their life.

Hilary DeCesare: 00:37:05

Ryan, such a strong message. Thank you again for being here for sharing your story for being vulnerable enough and for creating what you have done with your programming. It is making so much incredible progress in our world today. So again, thank you for being here. And until next time, everyone. We got to live now love now and start the relaunch. Now don't wait. We'll see you next week.