The Secret to Great Sex

How is your sex life? What if it could be great? Whether you’re already on fire or could use a boost, there’s always room for improvement.

Jessica Graham is a sex and intimacy guide who helps couple and individuals alike on the journey to great sex. Her own life experiences, including using drugs, alcohol, and yes, even sex, to numb her pain, led her on a quest for a more fulfilling life. Discovering better sex was an added bonus!

If you’re ready to improve your sex life, Jessica recommends the following 3 steps:

1. Love yourself first

Most of us spend the majority of our time engaged in negative self- talk. But this habit can wreak havoc on your sex life. It’s time to tip the scales. After all, what we fill our minds with is how we experience the world.

Start by adding words of affirmation to your daily routine. At first, you may not even believe the statements you say. But if you keep with them, eventually your brain with form a new and positive neuropathway around each statement.

In addition to affirming statements, try embodied self-pleasure. Simply put, explore your body on your terms. To start, understand that this is a practice. The goal is not orgasm, but a better appreciation for your own body. Set a timer and put any routines aside. This includes pornography, toys, even fantasies. Start fresh and explore. What feels good? What doesn’t? When the timer goes off, stop. You may even want to record your experience in a journal. This practice will benefit not only yourself but your present or future partner also.

2. Put your mind to it

Mindfulness and meditation are proven ways to live a healthier, more balanced life. But what do they have to do with good sex? Quite a bit, actually. Many of us get caught up on the end result of intercourse – the orgasm. When this happens, anxiety can quickly set it. Am I taking too long? Is my partner happy? Will this end well? If these questions have ever entered your mind, it might be time to try something new.

When you practice mindfulness, you learn to better experience your body and the world around it as a whole. To start, focus on the sensation of pleasure in your life. This doesn’t just mean sexual pleasure. It could be a sunset or a good meal. Truly see and experience that which feels good to you. Consider recording these each day. As your practice expands, sexual pleasure will become a part of your list in a natural way.

3. There is no right way to have sex

This last step is a truth that you’ve probably never really thought about. The fact is, we never really learn how to be in a sexual relationship. Most of us look to movies, TV, or pornography to show us what sex should look like. But these are staged, well-lit, and glamourized stories with little reality to them. What’s more, many storylines involve unhealthy, even toxic relationships centered around what looks like great sex. They also tell us how we should look – both men and women.

To start changing your view of great sex, tune out. Don’t use the images any longer. Instead, talk to your partner. Express your needs and desires and ask them to do the same. Then practice a mindful sex exercise similar to your own solo practice as mentioned above. Get to know one another in a new way. Take your time. Great sex is sure to follow, because it’s your own.